Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
