Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
