i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
