I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
