put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
