remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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