I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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