just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
