I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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