The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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