I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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