I'm so fucking centered right now
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
