take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
