i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
They are going to name an STD after you.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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