so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
