oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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