I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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