If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
