Plan B is the new Plan A
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
