Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
