i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
