I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
