im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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