I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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