Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
