i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
