I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
