my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
