Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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