My liver just broke up with me...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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