I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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