I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
