It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
you never un-have a 4some
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
