You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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