The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
