my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
