even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
