she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
