Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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