Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
