I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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