Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
