I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
