hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
