guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
