a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
