Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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