Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
