i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
