I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
